Love: Me

Disclaimer: I usually edit these posts before publishing but I’m too tired to do so tonight. If a sentence or a thought doesn’t make sense, then let’s just blame it on that.

I recently spent two weeks in Hawai’i with my family. We snorkeled, we golfed, we laughed, we survived the Road to Hana, and we ate shave ice. We experienced sunrises, sunsets, low tides, and high surfs. I loved so much of that trip and I love every single person that went with us. [Side note: I also love the family members that were unable to join us.]

Upon returning to “the Mainland” I resumed my normal life. Very quickly my mind spiraled into a darkness filled with terror and devoid of hope. Whether it was vacation hangover, interpreted personal rejection, or feeling completely disconnected from my former self I am unsure. I feel that it was a combination of all three.

I spent the following days in a nebulous haze of confusion, depression, and soul-filled exploration. I will spare the details and theatrics that played out on the stage of my mind. Here, I want to talk about love. I believe that it was the love of God that ultimately reached through the void to rescue me.

I posit that love is the most complex word in the English language. Likewise, I surmise that it is the most convoluted of all emotions in the human experience. To experience love is to experience compassion, fondness, devotion, care, intimacy, warmth, kindness, concern, and on and on and on. So, why judge ourselves and others in our experiences of love? Why are we surprised when we love so fiercely? Or fear that we will never feel it again? Or hurt so deeply when bereft of it?

I love experiencing love. It is the greatest feeling from both sides. To give love and receive love is a beautiful exchange. They say we fall in love. Love grows, love dies. What makes love grow? What makes it die? I think, like most everything else in life, it is the care we take. Maybe this is why serving others is so vital to being emotionally healthy and stable. Do something for someone and you will feel a little love for them. Do something else and you will cultivate even more love. Do this enough and the love will grow and grow.

So, what of the different kinds of love? They say there are different kinds of love: romantic, compassionate, parental, familial, etc. But I ask, are these truly different types of love? Or do we simply experience the same emotion differently based on our relationship with the individual or group? I think our expectation of reciprocation also influences our experience of love. We mow our parents’ lawn and we expect a hug and thanks. We paint a girlfriend’s living room and we expect a deeper connection. Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong, who knows?!

But what happens when we abandon our true selves in search of love? This can only lead to grief, pain, and loneliness. Interestingly, there are warning signs along the way; however, we are clever beings and we will likely choose to ignore them. Like the careless driver asleep at the wheel, we will arrive at a destination we did not intend to be. For we will one day realize that we have excavated the foundation of our edifice. Dust and rubble will be all that remains after implosion.

Emotionally destitute we now face a choice. In our despondency, we search for answers. Then, we salvage the valuable and carry on. Bearing our scars we continue the search. I have learned that the answers will come if we simply persist. I really don’t understand why I have been blessed with strength to continue when others have lost not.

I finally realized just how lucky I am! I have nieces, nephews, cousins, siblings, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses, teachers, and many others who love me and I love them. More importantly, I have a Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ who love me and I try to love them. I know that I fail but then again, I keep trying so maybe I am succeeding, too.

I have wondered what makes it so easy for me to love and be loved. Fearing arrogance, I wish not to gloat. I have been blessed with a light that shines from within. At times, I have hidden or smothered my light. I wanted to fit in and so I changed who I was. Like the foundation I’ve mentioned my light disappeared. That which drew people to me was now absent. In order to brighten the world, I have to be my own man. I have to be different and sometimes stand alone. This is hard for me but really it’s the only way I know to be happy.

On this Easter Sunday (now Monday), I wish to thank my Savior for His LOVE. There are a few lines from LDS hymn 136 “I Know That My Redeemer Lives” that brought a lot of peace to me today:

He lives to comfort me when faint.
He lives to hear my soul's complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.

I love the Lord. It is only through his grace that I am still here. I am a man of science and more importantly a man of faith. Sometimes my faith, like the light, seems faint or non-existent. All I can do is hold onto hope. Hope that my faith will return.

Well, that’s pretty much it. The End!

Complexia: The Miracle Breast Cancer Drug

This is a fake whitepaper that I am creating so that I have a real link to include in an academic assignment.  Enjoy!

Dating (kind of, but really, what can I do?)

After contemplating an idea that our Activities Council (Alpine Single Adult Ward, A.K.A Mid-Singles Ward) was working on for an upcoming activity, I was forced to face many of the thoughts that I had stored in an empty part of my chest.  I had to take a look inside the Pandora's box that is my heart.  This is some of the conclusion to which I came along with my response to Janice:

I thought to respond yesterday but I didn't really have anything good to say.  My immediate thoughts last night were not thoughts that I felt conducive to our planning.  I have felt like this information (dating advice), coaching, guidance, etc. has been beat into my head since I was 21.  In all honesty, it was praught (which I definitely think should be a word) before that but the intensity was ramped up when I returned from the Ohio Cincinnati Mission.  I thought, "I have unsuccessfully tried pretty much everything and I just want to be able to attend church without the worry of when the next lecture on dating and eternal marriage will come, yet now I am part of planning that next lecture."  Driving around this morning I felt like maybe I was in the wrong place, maybe I was in the wrong calling, and maybe I should head to Canada.

I wouldn't say that I was in a dark place but I was not excited that I would be required to help create, organize, promote, and enjoy this activity.  Then a thought was brought to mind, something which was shared among our council members to help us maintain focus for the activities.  We need to remember that "the purpose of these activities is to help people feel loved and cared for".  "Okay," I thought, "how does this activity help people feel loved and cared for?  What contribution can I make?  Why am I here, at this moment?"

A simple idea came as an answer to, "how can we make sure that people feel loved?"  By serving one another.  How do we ensure that people are serving one another?  The idea of a hidden game formed...not entirely but a bit.  Random selection, you are given someone's name in the ward and you are encouraged to do something meaningful for the individual whose name they've drawn.  If they don't know the person, they'll be meeting a lot of people in search of their "selected service receiver".  During the activity, we need to be mindful and seek out those that made the effort to come to the activity, but who might be struggling to interact.  As we look for the "lonely ones", we will find delightful people with whom we have much in common (after all, those who attend will likely have similar theological views).  This is our chance to make sure that no one sits along.  No one hangs out alone.  Ultimately, that no one feels alone.

The long and short of it is that I needed to get over myself.  I need to go to church, to activities, and about everyday life looking for the good which I can contribute.  I should be asking, "how can I make this better?" and not, "what can I get out of this?"  The "dating seminar" idea is great.  There is much that can be learned, tweaked, added, bettered, improved, perfected in all of us.  It took me more than 24 hours to process it all but this will be a success.  I give my stamp of approval and support.  I will do what I can to make this a success.  TRUST THE PROCESS and remember, IT'S ABOUT THE END GOAL!

It's Not My Fault

I just finished reading a chapter in two different books this evening.  Helaman Chapter 1 in the Book of Mormon and Chapter 7 “Normal and Abnormal, and When ‘Different’ Becomes Pathological” in The Emotional Life of Your Brain.  Both were great reads.  Both were well worth my time.

I tend to generalize out (based on the thought that I’m pretty normal and I figure that many other normal people experience similar feelings and experiences) and therefore when I say “I”, it can also mean the general you (including you, the reader, too).  A thought has come to my mind as I pondered about the choices that I make in life.  I thought about the thoughts that come to my mind.  I thought about the phrase “it’s not my fault”.

Heavenly Father gave me weakness, he told me so himself in Ether chapter 12, verse 27:

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

It’s not my fault that my body reacts a certain way as I am confronted with a stimulus.  A physically attractive woman activates certain parts of my brain, it’s not my fault.  Rude words from another cause me to hurt, it’s not my fault.  Falling short and disappointing others make me depressed inside, it’s not my fault.

How I respond and the actions that I take, THAT is my fault.  The preparations that I make and the care I take, THAT is my fault.  The humility I cultivate, THAT is my fault.

Woman is God’s most perfect creation.  He worked and organized and planned and planted and filled this world.  Once he had created woman, he ceased from all his labors for a season.  There is no wonder in the attraction man feels for woman.  Excepting the Spirit, she is the closest to Heaven with whom we can interact.

It’s not my fault I yearn for affection.  It IS my fault if I step over bounds.  If I wander into forbidden paths, as I search for that affection.  If I seek that affection through false means (pornography, fornication, etc.), then it most certainly is my fault.  The patience, the work, the hurt that it takes to prove myself worthy seems too difficult at times.  Especially as the world (Satan) offers instant satisfaction.

However, there is no warning label provided by the Devil.  That temporary satisfaction is followed by pain and guilt, frustration and disbelief, loneliness and despair.  Much like any other sin, the only way to rid yourself of the pain (without repentance) is to fill your life with more and more of it.  There comes a time when there is no amount of sin that can fulfill the need for relief.  THAT is what we call “Rock Bottom”.

Maybe it’s called rock bottom because it feels like we've hit the rocks at the bottom of the cliff from which we have fallen.  I think that maybe it’s called rock bottom because that’s when we realize that we must have The Rock as our foundation.  We realize that the only way to experience true happiness is to have Christ as the center of our lives.  The only true way to live is to live according to his commandments.

That was an unexpected tangent but I feel strongly about placing Christ at the center of our hearts.

In institute, this past week, we spoke about social conditioning.  I believe that what I have been stating goes along with this concept.  Emotions that we feel are not our fault in that moment.  Those emotions are a conditioned response to the stimulus we encounter.  So, in fact, my response is not my fault but the fault of my former self.

As I have continued to progress and seek after righteousness, there have been many truths revealed to me.  One of those truths is that I am not the same person that I was one decade, one year, or even simply one month ago.  Another truth is that my current self has to answer for problems that my former self created.

The choices I have made have led me to react in specific ways.  Sure, this can be changed and it takes a whole lot of effort and a whole lot of prayer.  The great part is that this means that I can condition myself (really a combination of guidance from Heavenly Father and personal effort) to love the things of righteousness and abhor wickedness.  Like Nephi, I can learn to “shake at the appearance of sin” (2 Nephi 4:31).

In his April 2010 General Conference address, Elder Holland gave us a few pointers on how to re-condition ourselves for service in God’s kingdom:

• Start by separating yourself from people, materials, and circumstances that will harm you.
• Along with filters on computers and a lock on affections, remember that the only real control in life is self-control. Exercise more control over even the marginal moments that confront you.
• If a TV show is indecent, turn it off.
• If a movie is crude, walk out.
• If an improper relationship is developing, sever it.

He continues to say, “Many of these influences, at least initially, may not technically be evil, but they can blunt our judgment, dull our spirituality, and lead to something that could be evil.  An old proverb says that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, so watch your step.”

In the same conference, President Thomas S. Monson gave similar warnings:

• Pornography is especially dangerous and addictive. Curious exploration of pornography can become a controlling habit, leading to coarser material and to sexual transgression. Avoid pornography at all costs.
• Don’t be afraid to walk out of a movie, turn off a television set, or change a radio station if what’s being presented does not meet your Heavenly Father’s standards. In short, if you have any question about whether a particular movie, book, or other form of entertainment is appropriate, don’t see it, don’t read it, don’t participate.
• Hard drugs, wrongful use of prescription drugs, alcohol, coffee, tea, and tobacco products destroy your physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. Any form of alcohol is harmful to your spirit and your body. Tobacco can enslave you, weaken your lungs, and shorten your life.
• Music can help you draw closer to your Heavenly Father. It can be used to educate, edify, inspire, and unite. However, music can, by its tempo, beat, intensity, and lyrics, dull your spiritual sensitivity. You cannot afford to fill your minds with unworthy music.
• Because sexual intimacy is so sacred, the Lord requires self-control and purity before marriage as well as full fidelity after marriage. In dating, treat your date with respect and expect your date to show that same respect for you. Tears inevitably follow transgression.

I would recommend both of these talks!  Watch the videos if you don’t want to read.

In conclusion, while the thoughts that come into my mind right now may not technically be my fault, the attention that I pay to them is my fault.  Also, the thoughts that will come into my mind a week, a month, or a year from now will be a result of what I choose to put into my mind right now.  They will be a choice that I will make between now and then.  It is up to me to fill my mind with the scriptures, wholesome music, the words of the living prophets, and learning from every good book!

My Heavenly Father Loves Me

I was fixed on writing about another topic and as the words failed to come, I couldn’t help but write of the love of our Heavenly Father. For 20+ years I was content with life…I was doing the things that I knew were right. For the most part, I was a righteous man. However, I was never converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I didn’t really know what conversion was. Maybe I still don’t.

However, after enduring self-made trials that led me back to the loving embrace of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, I started to understand the gospel a little more. I understand that God will never abandon us. I have often felt alone. I have cried myself to sleep. I have felt as though I were in the pit of despair. I have felt abandoned and left for dead. However, I have never been alone. I know, though many times I couldn’t feel Him, Heavenly Father was closer than I can imagine. Our Savior has lifted me time and time again.

They have never given up on me though many times I have given up on myself. There have been plenty of instances in which I wish the Lord would have just given up on me; it would be so much easier I have thought. John Grady Cole, in Cormac McCarthy’s All the Pretty Horses, comes to the conclusion that “it was always himself that the coward abandoned first.” I have been a coward much in my life. I have given up on me, I have given up on my family, and I have given up on God.

For a time, I even started to understand Atheism. For at times it feels easier to deny a belief in a God than it is to live up to what He expects. I believe there is a great difference between disbelieving in a God as part of a search for truth and disbelieving in a God to avoid responsibility. However, I have come to the understanding that belief in God is the ONLY thing that ultimately makes sense. Faith in my Creator and my Savior is the only way to reconcile the bounteous wonders around us.

The human body with all of its qualities is astounding. The more we understand about the human brain, the more it becomes a mystery. As we gaze into the night skies, worlds without numbers appear before our eyes. The Lord could have shrouded these stars, galaxies, and planets from view. He chose to allow us to see them so we can wonder. As we explore these nebulae, our minds are opened to greater questions.

The more we trust in our Father in Heaven, the more assured we become. At times, it is difficult to carry on. Sometimes we feel lost, small, or insignificant. I know that I have felt that way recently. But we have a duty. Ours is to carry on. Ours is to battle on. Whether big or small, our duty is to but obey. C.S. Lewis stated:

He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs—to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature he wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the slaughter, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot ‘tempt’ to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles.

Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

Sometimes, all you can do is hold on. The dawn will break, the light will come. The blessing of a new day is true. When I feel lost or afraid…I know that the quickest way to find my way is to get down on my knees and pray to my Heavenly Father…Don’t be afraid to get on your knees…don’t be afraid of being ‘that person’.

Sustaining Our Leaders

I just finished reading the 26th chapter of Mosiah in the Book of Mormon.  The last few months, I have been writing my thoughts and feelings in a personal journal as I feel that a journal is the proper place for those thoughts and revelations.  However, I feel that the following thoughts are to be shared.  I don't expect to make anyone "see the light" or anything of that nature.  I simply wish to share my testimony.

Mosiah chapter 26 is scripture for our day.  The warning voice is raised regarding dissensions.  There were many who were in the church that were deceived (led astray) by the flattering words of others.  I believe that this happens frequently today.  I believe that it is imperative that we each decide for ourselves that we will truly sustain our leaders.  Sometimes we will not know "WHY" something is the way it is.

When I raise my right hand to the square and sustain general and local officers, I know that that entails a great amount of trust.  I trust that my leaders are doing everything in their power to lead and guide this church as the Savior directs.  I trust that they are living their lives so that they may be guided by the Spirit.

I haven't always had this trust.  I used to have to know "WHY" and I have found that the "why" slope is a slippery one.  Sometimes the Lord cannot or simply will not tell us why, be it for our own good and/or our development.  Maybe the Lord is proving us and our ability to follow the leaders that He has placed before us.  Alma 30:44 states, "...thou hast had signs enough; will ye tempt your God?  Will ye say, Show unto me a sign, when ye have the testimony of all these thy brethren, and also the holy prophets?"

I know that the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been called of God.  I know that they have led and continue to lead the church with direction from the Lord, himself.  I know that they have led me into all good and have taught correct principles.  I will continue to sustain them and follow them.  I know the Book of Mormon is a work inspired by God meant for our day.  I know that my Redeemer lives and that through Him, I, along with all of my brothers and sisters, can be redeemed and brought to live in the presence of my Heavenly Father.

Valentine's Day

What is a person supposed to do when love feels so close and yet it simply cannot be touched? It exists behind bulletproof glass. You see it and long for it but you cannot touch it. What makes us love one person so dearly and yet feel nothing for another? Am I on a never-ending merry-go-round of love? It’s as if love were ethereal. Is there a point in holding on? What about holding out? I've loved and lost. What have I gained?

I’m loved by family. I’m loved by friends. I know I’m loved but why does that love feel empty? Why can’t that fill my soul? Why does the love of many, though great, leave me wanting? Why do we yearn for that one? How does one find the love that fills that gaping hole? What makes the love of a single person surpass the collective love of many?

The world offers many temporary alternatives to love. Alcohol wears off and fails to fill. Sexual immorality, like an acid, temporarily fills yet leaves the hole greater still. My God says that love is real and I believe Him. So, why is it so hard to find? Why can’t I just love the one I want? The time may come and yet may not. Am I certain I want to wait?

The woman I want is worth the wait. Though name and face may yet be unknown, many things I can divine. Her love of God is very great. Her faith in Christ confounds the “wise”. Her eyes will ever fail to lie. Our love will grow from day to day. The love I seek will fail to measure up to the love we’ll share throughout the years. The pain, the fun, the laughs and cries along the way, will lead to love that endures. If not today, then soon enough.

YES! Of course I’ll wait. For you I’d wait an eternity. The sad part is you’re waiting, too! You wait for me to learn to trust. You wait for me to learn to love. You wait with patience, faith, and prayers. The man you seek is not quite there. But when I am, you’ll see me, too! Please hold on, I pray you will.