Growing Pains and the Power of Prayer

I have no clue if anyone will ever read this but it's always fun to write down my feelings and think that someday, somewhere, someone may come across my words and they might internalize some of what I write and that it could, even if it be in some small way, help them in their life.

The other day I was sitting at work and I found myself in tears. For those of you who know me, you know what I've been going through. For those of you who don't, suffice it to say that I'm more emotional than a 15 year old girl. I was troubled by a recent loss and it left me very confused. I was trying to figure out what I had done wrong. What had caused such a change and how was I to fix the problem that now lay in front of me.

In the past, if I felt the way that I was feeling, I would turn to alcohol or any number of other "quick fixes" to numb myself from feeling. Having previously made the commitment to do away with such habits I now found myself in search of true peace and healing. At first, I turned to poetry, something constructive for which I have gained much love. However, all this did was provide temporary relief to pain that was much more than skin deep. As I sat in that chair at work, trying to hide the tears that had welled up in my eyes, a thought came to my mind. PRAY!

It wasn't an elegant prayer by any stretch of the imagination but it was from my heart. I asked for help to heal my aching heart. I asked for an increase in patience and diligence so that I could understand the Lord's will and make it my own desire. I went about my job trying to get my mind off of the girl for whom I had feelings. Trying to rid myself of the memories because the loss was too painful. A scripture came to mind, John 16:33 - These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. This gave me some semblance of peace but I was still troubled as I continued to wrestle with past feelings.

I continued to seek spiritual growth as I knew I had much room for improvement and I knew that I would find the inner peace for which I was searching. I began to listen to old conference talks for guidance. Time after time the same thing was mentioned, The Atonement. How could the Atonement bring peace? I'm not hurting because of sin. Then the thought came to me, Christ not only suffered for every sin that we would commit but he experienced every human emotion and if anyone in the world would know how to comfort me, it would be him. I prayed for further understanding. I prayed to know what I was to do. I prayed for healing. I had a feeling that let me know that all would be well. It was no longer a matter of "what should I do?" I had the thought "continue to do what is right and you'll know what to do!" An inexplicable calm came over me.

I know that I no longer need to know beforehand what I am to do. I don't need to know what will happen in my love life to know that I will always be happy. I'm happy because I am doing what's right and the Lord will bless me as he sees fit. I realized that I don't have to close any door in order for me to be happy. I don't have to say goodbye to move forward with my life. If things with her rekindle themselves in the future then they do. If they never do then that is what is meant to be. I don't know what is best for me and I certainly don't know what is best for her. I don't know what's in store for me. I don't know if she and I will ever date again. I don't know if we will even be friends, even though I hope that we are.

I don't know what my life has in store for me. I don't need to know. I don't need to be in control anymore because I have allowed my Heavenly Father and Savior back into my life and I know that, as long as I remain faithful, they will be in control. I know that the prayers of the faithful are answered. I know that they are answered in the Lord's time and in the Lord's way. I just pray that I have the patience to understand the Lord's way and timing. I know that following the Lord's plan is the only way for me, or anyone for that matter, to find true and lasting happiness in life. I know that he will always be here for me, even when no one else can be.