A Funeral Worth the Wait

I am writing this post, not overthinking what I will write and simply putting thought to “paper”.  Of course, I will read this over and edit it but I am not going to think it through as I type.  The thoughts will flow and I hope to make sense as I go.  I have spent most of my life trying to please one person or another.  Sometimes it has been Heavenly Father, other times my parents, other times my friends, and yet other times Girls.  I have allowed myself to let the feelings of others take priority to my own.

If you are reading this, you most likely know me.  If you know me, it is obvious that I love other people, at times too quickly and to a fault.  I have begun to think about the folly of my ways.  I have lacked the balls to go after the desires of my heart because others may think that I am distancing myself from them.  I have been afraid of praise and honor.  I have been afraid of success.  I have not been afraid because I might afterwards fail.  Why, then, do I deprive myself of the blessings of success?

In part, I have feared that if I am praised and held in high regard, others around me may feel left out.  I have felt that if I take credit for my thoughts and actions, then I am being selfish.  Mind you, I dare not to take sole credit for my own accomplishments as I have been greatly blessed by the Lord.  I have always tried to include others along the way.  Many times, I have included others that may not have deserved it.  I have included others even when I have been upset that I was including them in my success.  I have included them so they did not feel forgotten about, left out, or left behind.

I have great anxiety when I lose my portion of control of a situation.  This has many negative consequences.  I refuse to reveal my feelings, when I have them, to gals in whom I am interested.  Often, this has led me to overthink  many, many actions or potential courses of action.  I have jumped to conclusions about what others may think instead of being who I am and letting them think what they may.  I fast forward situations, skip the true reaction of others, and have settled for living in a world of hypothetical reality.  That is unfair to them but, more importantly, that is not fair to me.  They should be allowed to see me for who I am and then I can deal with the consequences.

I feel that not many people know who I really am as a result of my 28 years of scheming (scheming bastard from day 1).  I pass judgment on everybody within seconds of meeting them.  Over and over again, I gather information from the sidelines and from third party reports.  I dare not remove my mask of indifference as this breeds vulnerability.  I only mount up if it is advantageous to me.  This is not to say that I have been an evil, plotting, and calculating mastermind looking to take over the world.

I truly enjoy talking with people and helping them work through their myriad problems.  At times, it is frustrating to deal with others' problems knowing that there is a darkness inside of me that could rot the pope’s soul.  I love helping people through their problems, don’t misunderstand me; however, I need to spend time working on myself.  I often find myself moping or sulking as if to induce others to inquire regarding the matter.  I mistakenly think that this will help me.  Usually, I find it unsatisfactory and become annoyed (if you are wondering if this has ever happened while I have been talking with you, rest easy, you would know if I were annoyed).

I realize that I may have an inflated ego as I believe that I know more and think deeper than most people.  I am not going to pretend that I have all of the answers but I will contest that I know how to think through, and find answers to, many of life’s difficult situations.  I wish not to convey feelings of superiority.  I do wish to express my gratitude for having been blessed with a great mind.  There are several people to whom I know to turn in times of dire need.  My sister Krysta usually has the "you need to turn to the Lord and this is how" advice, my dad has the "you're a good guy, keep your chin up" advice, and my mom has the "quit sulking, you're being a dick, and/or just do it" advice.

I can think my way out of most of life's hardships.  Humor/laughter is considered as the best medicine.  I easily find humor in adverse situations.  I love to laugh.  Sometimes, people dislike that.  I hope you learn to like it because that is who I am.  In my life, I realize more and more that what you think is irrelevant unless I care enough for it to matter.  It may seem like there is a cold overtone to this message but this is not the case.  This message is matter of fact.  This is what I am thinking and I believe that there is much truth to what I am writing.

I love to think.  I LOVE to think.  I LOVE TO THINK.  There really is not a better way to state it.  I love to think about things, people, behaviors, and life.  I love to look into the future, imagine what might be, and prepare for disappointments that may occur.  Sometimes, thinking this way scares the daylights out of me.  I can easily psych myself out.  My first attempt at graduate school is a fine example of that.  With that having been said, I know that I need to bite off the future in a more realistic way.  I could learn a lot from the words of "Mark Owen" as stated in his book No Easy Day: The Firsthand Account of the Mission that Killed Osama bin Laden, "just focus on getting to the next meal."

“Mark Owen” talks about “being comfortable with being uncomfortable.”  I have run many times from things that have made me uncomfortable, things that may have been fun, exciting, or joyful.  I have run from things because I have been scared (uncomfortable).  I have failed to attempt things because they seem too daunting (uncomfortable).  As of yet, I do not know how things will be different.  I am not going to portray that I have some grandiose plan to become successful.  The way I did things yesterday will not magically be done differently today.

There are many things that I wish I would have done differently earlier in life.  There are paths down which I wish I would have ventured.  The future that lies before me is mine and nobody but I can select how to live it.  I will be molded as I choose to be molded.  Whether I am sculpted by the hand of the Creator or not is up to me.  With caution I will proceed.  I will look to others who have paved the way before me.  When life’s choices lead where no man has traveled, I will forge ahead.  I will blaze a trail that others behind might later follow.

Oft have I struggled to comprehend the effect that I might have on others.  Some remember me well; others quickly forget that I existed.  So too will be the case in the future.  All I can do is cast my light as bright and as far as possible.  Like moths to a flame, those interested will approach and let my light have a lasting effect upon them.  I know that I have a purpose in this life!  I have many purposes to be truthful.  I know neither what lies ahead nor where my life will take me.  All I can do is be present, respect the life that has been given to me, uncover the talents which I have fervently hidden, and go to work.

There is not a singular answer to the question, "what can I do to be successful?"  There are many facets of life in which a person can be successful.  The question is do you want to be successful financially?  Academically?  Physically?  Emotionally?  Mentally?  Bruce Lee?  Obviously, the list is long and it is up to each of us to decide in which of the many facets they wish to succeed.  The next step would be to define success.  What constitutes success?  Is it reading every book, essay, and letter by Thoreau?  Watching every episode of Lost, Friends, or The Jersey Shore?  Visiting every continent?  Speaking several languages?  Bench pressing 315 lbs?  It is important that we define success so that we might know if and when we achieve it.

I believe that it is just as important, if not more so, to be flexible in the definition of success.  Be willing to redefine it.  When success is redefined, do it to raise standards not to lower them.  Once greatness is achieved, it quickly becomes normal.  Once the extraordinary is accomplished, it becomes ordinary.  Enjoying the ride is essential.  When I reach a goal, I am going to celebrate it.  I will thank God for the ability to have reached that goal and move on.

I write to reveal my thoughts.  I have sincere and strong desires to be known as one who had a great influence on others.  I do not care if recognition of such exists.  I wish to be known as one who inspired greatness.  I want a large funeral.  I wish to be eulogized like no one before me.  I cannot have these desires without the willingness to sacrifice.

I have to be willing to sacrifice many of the things which as of yet I have not been willing to give up.  Things which have kept me mired in mediocrity.  My goals are dynamic.  They will change as I grow older and as I mature.  Some days I will have to sacrifice time with family.  I will have to sacrifice sleep.  I will have to sacrifice food (hopefully not that often).  I will have to sacrifice friendships along the way.  Old and comfortable habits will fall by the wayside, victims of a successful life.  Again, I am not able to specify what I will do as I do not yet know what I truly desire.  The path down which I will travel has yet to be selected.  I have ideas of where I want to go.  I have ideas of the people who I wish to take with me.  Beyond right now, waking up tomorrow and going to work is all that I have planned.  That WILL change!  I WILL change!  But as for now...I am going to bed!