To Thine Own Self Be True

I have spent the last month or so mired in terrible feelings.  These feelings have been some of the darkest of my life and this is in large part due to mistakes that I had recently made.  I have often gotten the feeling that the Lord doesn’t need me.  I have been lost and confused.  Can I really be forgiven of my sins?  Does Heavenly Father really love me?  Did Jesus Christ truly suffer everything for ME?

I know that I can be forgiven of my sins.  If I KNOW that, then why is it so hard to BELIEVE?  I know that Heavenly Father loves every single one of His children, so why is it difficult for me to believe that He loves me?  I know that Christ’s sacrifice was INFINITE and yet I find it nearly impossible to believe that His infinite sacrifice includes me.

I like to read over my previous writings to see the ups and downs.  I like to read the wisdom that has been granted to me throughout the years and sometimes regain some of that wisdom that I may have lost through negligence on my part.  I just re-read my latest blog post on here.  About ¾ of the way through, I came across the following paragraph:

I write to reveal my thoughts.  I have sincere and strong desires to be known as one who had a great influence on others.  I do not care if recognition of such exists.  I wish to be known as one who inspired greatness.  I want a large funeral.  I wish to be eulogized like no one before me.  I cannot have these desires without the willingness to sacrifice.

I have had a thought, recently, that has left me questioning my worth.  My entire life I have believed myself to be a caring person.  However, I wonder about my level of care for others.  Do I truly care about them?  Or am I finding meaning in my life by caring about others?  This has come to my mind because of the feelings that I have been having.  I have felt worthless.  I have felt powerless.

Why would I feel worthless if I derived my sense of self-worth from within?  Why would I feel powerless if my power comes from within?  The truthful answer is that I wouldn’t feel this way if I was ok on the inside.  If I were to pick apart my life and look at it objectively I would have positive and negative things to say about it.  So, why do I only find the negative right now?  Well, I guess I am finding the positive right now…but the recent past was different.

For quite some time, I have believed that people have needed me and because I was needed, I felt that I had value.  I believe that this is one major reason that I have tried to help people with their problems.  Yet, as I have looked around me, I have noticed that nobody needs me.  My friends, who I thought needed me, do and will get along just fine with or without me.  My family, who I thought had need of me, does just fine while I am away.  What happens when your self-worth is determined by the people that “need” you and you discover that no one truly does need you?  You realize that your life is hollow and meaningless; at least it feels that way.

Where do you go when you’re no longer needed?  What do you do when all you know is to help other people?  How do you fill the pit that your life has become?  How do you find greatness in yourself when, for so long, you have measured your greatness in relation to the company that you have kept?  Where does greatness come from?

Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true!”  What does it mean to be true to oneself?  Does it mean to be self-serving?  Does it mean to neglect the feelings of others?  Does it mean to be introverted?  Think about it; I know that I have.  I have thought about this extensively.  “To what conclusion have I arrived,” you might ask.  I have decided that the meaning of this phrase is deeper than I had previously believed.  I do not believe it is a simple action.  I do not believe that it is just doing but that it includes defining!

In order to be true to yourself, you have to know who YOU are!  You have to know your values.  You have to know your desires.  You have to explore the inner workings of your soul and discover what it is that makes you happy and what makes you sad.  You will find that which makes you angry.  You will find that which makes you scared.  It is not easy but it is simple.  Be willing to open up to yourself and you will find a friend that you never knew existed.  You’ll find someone who knows you better than anyone else.  You have to trust yourself.  You have to listen to the voice that tells you the truth about you, regardless of how much it may hurt.

The saying, “you are your own worst critic,” is true for most people!  However, you do not have to be.  You can be your biggest fan.  In your quiet moments, you can be the one to give yourself a pep talk.  You can pick yourself back up and dust yourself off.  After all, you are the one that will have to sleep with yourself tonight.  You have to look yourself in the mirror.  Others may avoid you if they deem necessary but you cannot avoid you.  Let’s be honest, why would you want to avoid yourself?

You understand what you are going through and you understand what you feel while going through it!  You know how and why you hurt.  You know why you laugh and what makes you do so.  You know who you love and you know who heals your heart.  You know who takes your breath away and who you want to be with.  Others will try to persuade you one way or the other.  Most of them have good intentions but none with pure, unbiased reasons.  Trust what you feel and you will find happiness.  You’re amazing!  There’s so much for you to do here.  Find it!  Do it!  Enjoy it!