I recently spent two weeks in Hawai’i with my family. We snorkeled, we golfed, we laughed, we survived the Road to Hana, and we ate shave ice. We experienced sunrises, sunsets, low tides, and high surfs. I loved so much of that trip and I love every single person that went with us. [Side note: I also love the family members that were unable to join us.]
Upon returning to “the Mainland” I resumed my normal life. Very quickly my mind spiraled into a darkness filled with terror and devoid of hope. Whether it was vacation hangover, interpreted personal rejection, or feeling completely disconnected from my former self I am unsure. I feel that it was a combination of all three.
I spent the following days in a nebulous haze of confusion, depression, and soul-filled exploration. I will spare the details and theatrics that played out on the stage of my mind. Here, I want to talk about love. I believe that it was the love of God that ultimately reached through the void to rescue me.
I posit that love is the most complex word in the English language. Likewise, I surmise that it is the most convoluted of all emotions in the human experience. To experience love is to experience compassion, fondness, devotion, care, intimacy, warmth, kindness, concern, and on and on and on. So, why judge ourselves and others in our experiences of love? Why are we surprised when we love so fiercely? Or fear that we will never feel it again? Or hurt so deeply when bereft of it?
I love experiencing love. It is the greatest feeling from both sides. To give love and receive love is a beautiful exchange. They say we fall in love. Love grows, love dies. What makes love grow? What makes it die? I think, like most everything else in life, it is the care we take. Maybe this is why serving others is so vital to being emotionally healthy and stable. Do something for someone and you will feel a little love for them. Do something else and you will cultivate even more love. Do this enough and the love will grow and grow.
So, what of the different kinds of love? They say there are different kinds of love: romantic, compassionate, parental, familial, etc. But I ask, are these truly different types of love? Or do we simply experience the same emotion differently based on our relationship with the individual or group? I think our expectation of reciprocation also influences our experience of love. We mow our parents’ lawn and we expect a hug and thanks. We paint a girlfriend’s living room and we expect a deeper connection. Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong, who knows?!
But what happens when we abandon our true selves in search of love? This can only lead to grief, pain, and loneliness. Interestingly, there are warning signs along the way; however, we are clever beings and we will likely choose to ignore them. Like the careless driver asleep at the wheel, we will arrive at a destination we did not intend to be. For we will one day realize that we have excavated the foundation of our edifice. Dust and rubble will be all that remains after implosion.
Emotionally destitute we now face a choice. In our despondency, we search for answers. Then, we salvage the valuable and carry on. Bearing our scars we continue the search. I have learned that the answers will come if we simply persist. I really don’t understand why I have been blessed with strength to continue when others have lost not.
I finally realized just how lucky I am! I have nieces, nephews, cousins, siblings, parents, friends, co-workers, bosses, teachers, and many others who love me and I love them. More importantly, I have a Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ who love me and I try to love them. I know that I fail but then again, I keep trying so maybe I am succeeding, too.
I have wondered what makes it so easy for me to love and be loved. Fearing arrogance, I wish not to gloat. I have been blessed with a light that shines from within. At times, I have hidden or smothered my light. I wanted to fit in and so I changed who I was. Like the foundation I’ve mentioned my light disappeared. That which drew people to me was now absent. In order to brighten the world, I have to be my own man. I have to be different and sometimes stand alone. This is hard for me but really it’s the only way I know to be happy.
On this Easter Sunday (now Monday), I wish to thank my Savior for His LOVE. There are a few lines from LDS hymn 136 “I Know That My Redeemer Lives” that brought a lot of peace to me today:
He lives to comfort me when faint.I love the Lord. It is only through his grace that I am still here. I am a man of science and more importantly a man of faith. Sometimes my faith, like the light, seems faint or non-existent. All I can do is hold onto hope. Hope that my faith will return.
He lives to hear my soul's complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears.
He lives to wipe away my tears.
He lives to calm my troubled heart.
Well, that’s pretty much it. The End!
