As I do with every General Conference, I anxiously awaited to hear Elder Holland speak. I feel that everything that comes out of his mouth is directed right at me. I enjoy the direction that I receive when he speaks. This conference was no different as I anxiously awaited and Elder Holland delivered. However, I had stayed awake until 5:30 a.m. that morning spending time with cousins and had unwittingly entered the day very unprepared. I tried to remain awake and alert but I feel terrible to admit that sleep overcame me as I desperately hung on for only a few introductory sentences. I learned that Elder Holland feels more sympathy for the 11 remaining apostles after Christ's death than for any other group in history. Fade to black.
I woke up an hour or two later, I felt more rested but I also felt that I had missed out. Thanks to technology I was able to pull up that talk and I have listened to it several times this week. It is titled "The First Great Commandment." Elder Holland tells the story of the post crucifixion church and ministry in what he calls his own "nonscriptural elaboration." After Christ had been taken up, Peter, feeling lost and certainly not knowing what to do without the Savior, abandons the ministry and goes fishing.
After a night of catching absolutely nothing, except maybe a few zzzzzzz's and perhaps a cold, the apostles are told by someone on the beach to cast their nets to the other side. Upon recognizing that it was the Savior who called out to them, Peter threw himself overboard and quickly swam to shore where he rushed over to meet the Savior. I can only imagine the joy he felt wrapping his arms around the One that brought peace and comfort. After exchanging heartfelt affection, the Savior asks him, "Peter, do you love me?" To which Peter promptly responds, "YES!" The Savior later asks again, "Peter, do you love me?" "Of course I love thee" is the reply. Then, a third time the Savior asks the Chief Apostle, "Peter, do you REALLY love me?" As Elder Holland explains, Peter undoubtedly feels a bit uncomfortable at this question being asked a third time. However, after examining his feelings he answers, "Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee." Here is where this story hits home. The Savior responds, "Then Peter, why are you here? Why are we back on this same shore, by these same nets, having this same conversation? Wasn't it obvious then and isn't it obvious now that if I want fish, I can get fish? What I need, Peter, are disciples -- and I need them forever."
This story illustrates that it is vitally important to the Savior that we become every-moment-disciples. I find that it is very easy for me to fall back into the same old habits of yesteryear. Humility is harder to hold onto than anything else in the world. I was humbled by my failed graduate school attempt to NoDak. For a time, I drew strength from the Lord every single day. Then, without realizing it, I became complacent. I became comfortable in my surroundings. I became prideful and slowly I have called upon the Lord less and less and have seen that I have struggled more and more.
As my dear friend Mike said (and Yeah Mike, I called you dear...but in a totally manly way), "It's easy to do evil. It's easy to not do what we're supposed to do. Doing what Heavenly Father wants us to do takes work. And we have to constantly work at it." When I listen to Elder Holland say the phrase, "Then [Brian], why are you here?" it is as if I hear him say, "If you love the Savior, then why are you doing this?" I imagine, Why are you here...watching that inappropriate television program or movie, wasting your time with that video game, forgoing your scripture reading, avoiding your responsibilities as a home teacher, entertaining that temptation, overeating, failing to trust me...I'm sure I could go on but I'm sensing there isn't enough Prozac in the world if I continue what was meant to be a short list.
As hopeless as I make myself sound, I gain strength knowing that the Lord beckons, "If you truly love Me, then come over here and I will show you how to demonstrate it!" I know that I can do what Heavenly Father wants me to do. It is so simple. The Savior is not asking us to give up our lives in the same way that He did. He asks that we give up our lives in the service of our fellow beings, our brothers and sisters.
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